This Years Love
by carter can have you
Summary: A Carkem breakup, leads to a Carby romance. A gritty, hopefully realistic and beautiful Carter and Abby reunion.
1. Default Chapter

**Title**: This year's love

**Author**: Ingrid aka 'Carter can have you'

**Email:**

**Rating**: PG 15/R (for overall story)

**Description**: Angst, reminiscence for CarKem's- rejoice for Carby's (eventually)

**Spoilers**: Set straight after season 10, so all of season 10 WILL be discussed, but no spoilers from season 11 will be unspoiled, I promise. This is just my take on where things will go.

**Summary**: Kem's gone, Carters just trying to pick up the pieces of his life and start over from where he left off. Starts where season 10 left off.

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters or settings are my own, I just like to borrow them and play around with their lives now and then. Also the title and lyrics used are borrowed, see the author's notes for details.

**Author's Note**: Hello, I hope you enjoy this, it's an angst-filled assessment of Carter's feelings, post Kem, pre CARBY REUNION, (me hopes) any thoughts/feelings, review please. Feel free to email me a review, or whatever. I just hope it doesn't suck too much :-p

Also, by the way, the lyrics used and the title of this fic is from a beautiful song by David Grey, called 'This year's love' I just thought it was highly appropriate. Ok, here goes...

The Congo 

_He went over there,_

_What for? A reconciliation? _

_He's not that naive, not anymore. _

_For closure?_

_No. He's not over her yet, don't be silly now. How can anyone share so much with someone only to lose it all, and then take merely three months to get over it?_

_But he wanted closure, didn't he? _

_No, before he went over there he didn't see that he needed it, he still loved her, he was blinded by that, and although he has achieved some kind of closure, he still doesn't see what's right or what's meant to be._

_But he will, won't he?_

_One can only hope._

_This years love had better last  
Heaven knows it's high time  
I've been waiting on my own, too long  
When you hold me like you do  
It feels so right, oh now  
Start to forget how my heart gets torn  
When that hurt gets thrown  
Feelin' like I can't go on.  
_

'When I first saw you, that night, you looked beautiful, completely exotic in the candlelight and I couldn't take my eyes off of you,' He looked into her dark eyes imploringly, it was as if he was a little child, begging her to stay for tea, but she would have none of it.

'Stop it John' she turned her head away and looked at the ground, the recent drought had made it dusty and start to crack.

'I loved you even then Kem, I love you now' He reached into his soul, trying to find the right words, ones which meant something, but could only bring up these tired over-used phrases.

'That's enough John, I've had enough of everything, we're over. It's for the best, you know it is' she was tired, tired of the way she had let him feel for her, tired of their relationship, she didn't need any of this, really did she? Of course she had loved him, but that was because of the baby. Wasn't it?

'We're over' those cold words hammered into his head, what else had she said? It really hadn't registered in his brain. He just stood there, looking at her, his eyes brimming with tears, he tried to blink them away, looking up again, only to find her, no longer there, but hugging him, her arms around his shoulders. She let him rest his head on her shoulder as he wept quietly. She felt sad, but not completely, she had to do this, she had to be strong.

Kem thought hard, letting go would be so difficult, over the past year she had been so selfish, letting this wonderful man into her life like this and making all these promises to him, promises she could never, would never have been able to keep. Her true heart was the Congo, she loved her country, the people she worked with, the people she helped. He had gone over there lost, hoping to find himself, instead, he had found her. She had proven to be a pleasant distraction from his worries. Instead of working at resolving his troubles and problems, he had worked at their relationship, being with her, nothing else. He had created a safety net, protecting them, from the world. Protecting him, from his past, in Chicago. He had gone over, confused about his job, unsure of what to do, he loved County, it was a home to him, but could he bear to stay in the same position for the rest of his life, or would he move? Or would another job open up at County? How long would he have to wait for that? Was it worth the wait?

Also there was Abby, oh sweet Abby. He had left her, written her that awful letter, and then not seen her again until he went to Chicago with Kem in love, and pregnant, announcing to the world the beginning of their life together. Abby was his best friend, he had thought her the love of his life at one point, and he hadn't even made a phone call to her beforehand. How had he been able to live with that? He hadn't, but he had suppressed any thoughts of her whilst with Kem. Now, when seeing her or thinking of her, his mind went numb. Because he had trained himself to do it, because he was going to be with Kem for the rest of his life, because she was going to have his baby, Wait that came out wrong, he backtracked, he was just thinking in his head, but the thought of him and Kem only staying together because of the baby, that wasn't true. Well it wasn't at the time. Does that mean he still loved Abby, despite the past year? He hasn't even allowed himself to ponder it.

He lifted his head up from off of her shoulder, and looked into her eyes, they were red and salty, so, she had been crying too, he mused.

'Kem' he spoke, his voice harsh and his throat suddenly dry.

'If you had never gotten pregnant, would we still be together?'

she closed her eyes, at least he had acknowledged they weren't an item anymore, it made it easier for her.

'I don't know, John'

He searched her eyes, hurt. She rubbed his shoulders, and bowed her head, still keeping eye contact.

'God, I don't deserve you, John,'

He shut his eyes, it hurt when she said things like that, but now it hurt even more whenever she said his name.

' I honestly don't know if we would have still been together, we might have been, but we might not have been. John, we were having fun, it wasn't as serious as you like to think, but I did have fun, I loved being with you, but it isn't the only chance for love we'll have, not in life. But with each other, I'm afraid it is. The baby, it happened. I don't regret it, and it wasn't what kept us together, it was just what kept us from falling apart. I know you said we could get through it, and we did, but there's more to come, and I don't think we can do that together, you need to be on your own, look after yourself for a change, instead of looking after other people. All your life you've been trying to save other people, when you needed to save yourself. You couldn't see that yourself, so I had to help you, now its time for us to say goodbye.'

He smiled thinly, it was all he could manage.

'you're right' he replied ' I just want to say thank-you. I don't regret anything either.' They embraced. He thought, as he stood in her arms, about how he would miss her, would miss what they could have had together, but he would never know. Could he live with that? Yes, now he could.

**Authors Note-This was going to be a standalone, but I have more written, if anyones interested, we all love a Carby reunion, obv ;-)**

**Next chapter, Carter bumps back into his old life, literally.**


	2. This Years Love Chapter 1 A smack in the...

**Title**: This year's love

**Author**: Ingrid aka 'Cartercanhaveyou'

**E-mail**:

**Rating**: R

**Description**: Angst, reminiscence for CarKem's- rejoice for Carby's (eventually)

**Spoilers**: Set straight after season 10, so all of season 10 WILL be discussed, but no spoilers from season 11 will be unspoiled, I promise. This is just my take on where things will go.

**Summary**: Kem's gone, Carters just trying to pick up the pieces of his life and start over from where he left off. Starts where season 10 left off.

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters or settings are my own, I just like to borrow them and play around with their lives now and then. Also the title and lyrics used are borrowed, see the author's notes for details.

**Author's Note**: Hello, I hope you enjoy this, it's an angst-filled assessment of Carter's feelings, post Kem, pre CARBY REUNION, (me hopes) any thoughts/feelings, review please. Feel free to email me a review, or whatever. I just hope it doesn't suck too much :-p

Also, by the way, the lyrics used and the title of this fic is from a beautiful song by David Grey, called 'This year's love' I just thought it was highly appropriate.

**Authors post-prologue note:** Wow thanks everyone for the response to the prologue, heres the next chapter. Of course I didn't enjoy doing a little CarKem for the prologue, however i felt it was necessary to provide a realistic closure for their relationship, we can't pretend she didn't exist no matter how tightly we close our eyes and wish her away ( ) hehe. I hope this chapter is a little easier to understand, what with all those lingering carby thoughts, sorry bout that. oh and by the way, throughout the story, the italics are just thoughts about the feelings of the characters, perhaps a discussion between Carbies, they are not related to the story, but i like to make myself think about things. overanalyse? possibly. Now i'll stop rambling, ad let you enjoy (i hope)

**Chapter 1 – A smack in the face from the past.**

He steps off the plane, down the stairs and across to the airport, looking around through the crowd of people, as if searching for a family member or loved one. As if there was someone waiting. But there was no one really. Nothing for him to come back to. A big empty house, no family close by, not even Gamma. Friends? He has few close ones, and those he once had, he had become estranged from over the past year. He doesn't even have a pet, a dog would have taken up too much time anyway.

Not when he does such exhausting shifts. And why is that? He definitely doesn't need the money, perhaps he just wants to fill the void. The empty space that has replaced what used to be his life. How alone he feels right now. He walks on, lost in thought.

'Ouch! Look where you're going why don't you?!!' the woman ducked and held up a hand as if to protect herself. She sounded irritated, he was apologetic,

'Oh God, I'm so sorry' he started, the woman turned around to see who it was and she looked shocked, he gave her an apologetic smile, and looked at her properly.

A soft face framed by nut-brown hair in a familiar style looked back at him. He saw who it was, in his head he should have actually known anyway. God, why hadn't I felt her presence before now? He normally did, well he used to be able to, a long time ago.

Maybe it was because he had been away, not just for the week in the Congo, to persuade Kem they could make things work only to end up with goodbye, at this moment it felt more like he had left a year ago, and was just coming home for the first time.

'Abby.' He looked at her face, it wasn't as familiar as it used to be.

'uh, John, what are you doing here?' her voice was shaky, it was almost as if she was uncomfortable with calling him by his first name. She had reddish eyes as if she had been crying.

'Oh, just got back from the Congo, um its nice to see you though'

'I'm so sorry Carter, I heard about the baby and everything'

He could hardly bring himself to say anything, but appreciated her kindness in asking.

'Thankyou'

Should I hug him? she thought Would that be appropriate? She wasn't sure anymore, everything seemed so unclear where once it had been obvious.

'Are you ok?' he asked.

She was taken aback by his question, why would _he _be asking that? Surely that was her line?

'You know, cos you look like you've been crying, I mean'

'Oh, that.' John Carter, she mused to herself, ever the gentleman.

'My Mom was in town, I was just seeing her off. It's funny, I love her so much, despite the pain she has caused me and Eric, there's really nothing that would make me stop loving her.'

She realised the poignancy of her words etched on his face.

'I know'

She didn't know what to say, but felt the need to say something.

'Well, Welcome home Dr Carter'

He leaned forward and gave her a hug

'It's good to be back, or well it will be I hope, Dr Lockhart' he added. She leaned into his embrace, it was a warm friendly hug.

'Oh yeah, that' it took her a while before she realised he had called her by her 'new' name. She took a step back, and smiled up at him wryly.

'I'm proud of you' he gave her that smile he nowadays only saved for special occasions.

She remembered when she had first joined the ER as a med student, she didn't know him so well then, but she could see how happy he was, young, light-hearted and full of life. Comparing him now to that made her guts wrench and her heart hurt, all that suffering he had been subjected to, in such a small time.

'Hey, are you busy?' he asked, perhaps a little too eagerly, he was tired and jetlagged, but he could not sleep, and would appreciate a little company he thought.

'Not really, I was going to go to a meeting, but it's not until 9.'

'Coffee?' he asked.

'Pie?' she accepted his invitation with a question, in their own secret language.

'Magoo's.' He confirmed.

He picked up his shoulder bag and hauled it over his shoulder.

She zipped up her jacket and straightened her hair.

They walked out of the airport.

**Next chapter: The first step**


	3. This Years Love Chapter 2 The First Step

**Chapter 2 - The first step**

After a few block's worth of small talk, and an El train journey of catching up on hospital gossip, they left the El station, relaxed and happy. He realised he had missed her company, over the past year, he had almost lost her friendship amongst others, and knew he wanted, and needed to rebuild some bridges. Abby felt glad to spend time with someone, taking her mind from the worry over her mother and brother.

'Um, Carter, I didn't want to have to be the one to break this to you, but...' She started.

'What? What?' he looked at her, perplexed. She gave him nothing, only stared straight past him, he followed her gaze, across the street where Doc Magoo's should have been.

Ike's was different, not all that different, but it was no Magoo's.

'What the hell happened?'

'Magoo's set on fire'

'When?!'

'I think you were in Africa at the time'

'But, but it was great! There were so many memories'

His little outburst was quite funny she thought, in a childlike way, his upset was quite cute.

'I know, I agree, however, you simply _have_ try the pie at Ike's!'

Sighing, Carter walked with Abby over to the restaurant.

Glancing over at the hospital, he opened the door and let Abby in first,

'Thanks' she smiled .

Carter found that Ike's wasn't too bad at all, the owners seemed to be the same as the Doc Magoo's ones and the menu hadn't changed too much.

'I guess they kept the old menu, they must've known their customers needs.'

They took a seat in the same spot as their old favourite booth.

'I can't believe Susan's _still_ not given birth yet!' Carter exclaimed,

'I know, she's absolutely huge!' Abby said, her eyes shone when she thought of their friend, now on the verge of giving birth, and she flashed a grin.

'It's nice to see you looking so well Abby, I mean, before I went away I noticed it too.'

'what do you mean?' she enquired

'in the past year, you have really changed , for the better I mean, you achieved your dream of being a doctor but also you just have this air of confidence and happiness about you.'

She looked down at the menu, with an embarressment-induced meek smile on her face.

'You are, _aren't_ you?'

'What?'

the waitress came over;

'A coffee please,'

'Make that two' abby went on

'You gonna order anything to eat?'

'I'm not that hungry, but we did mention pie, and I'm in the mood for something sweet.'

'An apple pie please, and two spoons'

'Ok, it'll be over as soon as possible' said the waitress, smiling sweetly, she took the menus from them.

Abby was curious; 'What did you mean just now?'

He was distracted, half focusing on her smile, his mind was elsewhere, he didn't want to go back home, he wanted to stay forever if it meant he didn't have to go back to the Carter family mansion right now.

'huh?'

'You asked me if I was. If I was what?'

'Oh. Happy, you are happy, right?'

She looked up wistfully, taking a moment to think about it then looked at him levelly in the eye.

'Yes, yes I am. I am happy, I haven't been for so long, that sometimes its difficult to tell, but I know now. Things are going well in my job, I haven't had a drink for over a year, and I quit smoking.' Her face was beaming and her eyes shone.

'Good for you!' he felt heartened by her response. It gave him hope, but at the same time saddened him, that he couldn't have given her more help with all these life-affirming changes. They had been together for a year and he had loved her and wanted to help her, but above all he had been her friend, for a long time now, and they had lost a lot of that when he went to Africa. He supposed these were things she just had to do by herself.

They enjoyed a nice evening talking and eating, no further mention was made to Kem or his son, he had asked about her mother and brother though. She was happy to answer his questions, her mother was happy in Minnesota, had a job working alongside an interior designer, at least she was being creative, that's what she likes, Abby had said. Erik had been forced to resign from the airforce after discovering his illness and was staying with a friend in San Francisco, he was temping in various jobs, but he was taking his meds, and that was the main thing.

Eventually they both went home, it was about 11, and Carter was feeling jetlagged, so they decided to call it a night. They parted with a friendly hug. The conversation had been fairly stilted and they hadn't had the chance to say what really needed to be said, however it was the first step in renewing their friendship, and for both of them, it felt good.


End file.
